Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”

I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂

Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning

I like when they mic up hockey players because 95% is censoring beeps for swear words and then 5 percent is like “you’re a good dad I see you on Instagram you’re quite the family man eh”

Lmao

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

Tech support: What seems to be the problem?

Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!

TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.

[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.