Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

Speak now or ever hold your peace

“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”

– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.

Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you

SON: I need lunch money.

DAD: Get a job.

SON: I’m in 5th grade-

DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.