Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles

[later]

WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-

ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

They must have gotten it to go.

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game