John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
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There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
It kinda feels like this rn
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook