John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
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My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Take my own advice? No thanks, that sounds dangerous
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”