Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times

as is their right

Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage

Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

[immigration hall]

Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?

Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?