John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
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I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
this has to be peak English
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
SPLOOT
TRAIN’S HERE
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Wait for it
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.