Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”

*Every other site goes down*

“Guess who’s back…back again.”

Can you solve the riddle??

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.

Re: global warming and the cold weather

“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”

Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?

My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?

8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.

*Both start laughing*

[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]

14: it smells like chores in here

*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you