John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
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When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating