John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
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just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Only Americans understand
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
