John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
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Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Can’t believe I ruined my diet again, went over by one gram of uranium (18 million calories)
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Not to brag, but my husband and I are crushing it—we haven’t had a single fight all year.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
My new favorite headline
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I have issued a new executive order prohibiting library patrons from telling me how tired I look
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*