Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

this is funnier than any friends episode

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

ham: accepted, non-offensive

hamn: curse, extremely forbidden

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?