Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

what is cheese if not milk persevering

I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

Ken is short for chicken

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.