John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.
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Weirdos gonna weird.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
🍞🦆
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.