Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”

Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”

6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”

Me: “Wait, what?”

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere