Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

only baby boomers will get this:

*pension*

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

linkedin the good parts

An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.

When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

[on the sixth question in two minutes]

4: what does “not” mean

me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.

4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is