John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
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the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Never deleting this app.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public