JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
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i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
True
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park