Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

Him: so you like bad boys?

Me: of course not

Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-

Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?