Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…

Boyfriend: I’m gay.

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

[listening to twenty one pilots]

ME: ok ok one at a time

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way

If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.

Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’

But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’

So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit