Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

wife: what are you thinking about

guy who invented coffee: what if we pick the fruit off this plant, remove the seeds, roast them on a stove, let them cool off, grind them up into a near powder, pour boiling hot water over them, and then drink it

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting

me working on my assignments ^-^

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

Superman is strong enough to move the moon, and can fly fast enough to reverse the earth’s rotation, but his most impressive ability is having a steady journalism job.

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.