JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
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That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.