On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
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Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring