Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

😉

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.

My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record

[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.