JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
You Might Also Like
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.