Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery

[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.