Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…

Body: LOL.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK

*later, flinging holy water*

ME: GET OUT GHOSTS

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

How people walk when they’re:

DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?

I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.