John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
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A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Thursday
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions