John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
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They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Is your wife single?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*