Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A REAL smart phone would know when to shut up.

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

“I miss my label mates.”

“You’re a recording artist?”

“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”

Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.

I need sex to help my sex life, not food.

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

Growing out my freckles.

[mall food court]

Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no

FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.

SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

Never be a pizza!

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires

heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”