John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
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My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
My boss called in sick of me
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”