Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them

“This steak is really chewy.”

*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.

-Steve Buscemi

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.

Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.

No more excuses…

….next year I’m getting that exorcism.

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.

My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.