Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Good news

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*