Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin

me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.

“No screens allowed.”

On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.

“This is your mother now.”

I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?

JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what

a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

dracula: you gotta stop

me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.