Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”

this came to me in a vision

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

*first date*

her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose

me: I like the sound of that

her: mmmmm oh do you now.

me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

Is fructose made with real fruct?

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.