Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.

This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.

me: dentist said the kids have the plague

wife: plaque

me: yes a memorial would be good

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

I need this for my side hustle.

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

dora: jeez we’re really lost

boots: dora i’m freezing

backpack: we need a fire

the map: what should we use to start it?

dora:

boots:

backpack:

the map: oh no

dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.