John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
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Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
It’s an epidemic…
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.