John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
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Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
just make the entire table out of coaster
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us