Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}

Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.

Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.

They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

March 16

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

The news in a nutshell.

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.