Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.

Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.