John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
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But wait…
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
honey, bring out the fine china.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely