Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway

[Me watching football on TV]

Oh man this reminds me of high school

Her: you played football in high school?

Me: no, I watched TV

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

Word of the day:

Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”