Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

A recipe for laughter

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.

Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.