John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
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Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either