Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

being insane should at least burn calories

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.

[invention of history]

Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material