John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.