Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

Dating Tips
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Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”

omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

When I laugh on my period

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh