Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”

😂😂

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

[ during sex ]

Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

#ProTip

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.