john wicks are toilet candles
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Snapes on a plane.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Pandas 🐼🖤
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600