john wicks are toilet candles
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cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Stop sending me this shit.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.