john wicks are toilet candles
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And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”