John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
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Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
The French word for sex is croissant.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?
my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?
him: no, 100.
10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?