John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
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After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.