John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
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So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Who’s ready for Friday?!
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Me checking my bank balance online.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.