Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

When you start taking vitamins to improve your memory but keep
forgetting if you took them today or not!

If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

COP: I need to search your car.

ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.

My dad is at it again

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

was Jim off killing horses or…

Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid

Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

I’m awake but I object,

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table