Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that

Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”

My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.