Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
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too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
May have had one breakfast too many
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said