Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
You Might Also Like
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.