Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
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Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.