Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Yes 😂
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
mumsnet is amazing
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”