Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
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Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
