Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
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If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*