Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.

*holding flashlight to face*

And then I pressed……update all.

*children screaming*

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.

Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”

Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

oh good, now I can stop drinking

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

me as a parent

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

This kinda thing happens to me often

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help