Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
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Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I’m not a fan of diarrhea jokes, I mean that shits been done all over the place.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me: Yep. Wine.
If I ever noticed you waving frantically from inside a burning building I would totally wave back because I’m polite.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question