Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

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*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth


Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo


I’m not a fan of diarrhea jokes, I mean that shits been done all over the place.


My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.


ME: i wish girls would flock to me


ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A


[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another


If I ever noticed you waving frantically from inside a burning building I would totally wave back because I’m polite.