Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?

God: yes but you don’t need to fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you already live as far south as possible.

Penguin: oh yeah!

God: and you live there all year long!

Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.

my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that

me: not today santa

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.