Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever