Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
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My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.