Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
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A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.