Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
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Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Bill is short for Billiam
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops