Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

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*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*


Yes I brought my own shot glasses and started a party at my table, but is that really a reason to throw someone out? Worst library ever.


I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell


‘What other miracles can you do?’

Jesus: I can varnish

‘You mean vanish?’

J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite


Your psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.


*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading


As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat


*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business


God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings