*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
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Yes I brought my own shot glasses and started a party at my table, but is that really a reason to throw someone out? Worst library ever.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell
‘What other miracles can you do?’
Jesus: I can varnish
‘You mean vanish?’
J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite
Your psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Wanna hear a word I just made up?