Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
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Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Same post same
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
This dude got his own movie?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”