@H0TMessBarbie

Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.

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@Book_Krazy

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

@MadcapsTPS

Yes I brought my own shot glasses and started a party at my table, but is that really a reason to throw someone out? Worst library ever.

@AskinWayne

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell

@Audenary

‘What other miracles can you do?’

Jesus: I can varnish

‘You mean vanish?’

J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite

@CandyEmpires

Your psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

@DanMentos

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

@pittdave13

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

@3sunzzz

*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business

@AbrasiveGhost

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings