Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
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Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Your soulmate is too smart to date you
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Real 😅
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
wearing headphones to the club to pretend i’m the dj
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I see you have a meat smoker, but no wife. I will find you a sturdy woman in return for brisket.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!