Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*

Me: Stop or I’ll be mad

Kids: *keep doing it*

Me: Stop or Mom will be mad

Kids:*stop immediately*

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”

OMG 🤣🤣

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby