Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.

It will always be this

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

happy friday

The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement

Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!

But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant