Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
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this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?